And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
every. time.