When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Spotted in New Orleans.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.