Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.