Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things