Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.