The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.