Did my cat write this
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Just a reminder, folks:
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*