My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
You Might Also Like
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
That earthquake could have been an email.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians