How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery