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*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime