“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear