Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You Might Also Like
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
😂😂
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Wake me when AI does housework
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Legend 🤣🤣
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.