Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Rambo Rambow
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.