*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is