Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man