Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?