“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”