All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
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her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy