WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.