omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
You got this…
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.