I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
That’s easy for you to say
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices