The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
You Might Also Like
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm