Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I think I’m having a stroke
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.