I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known