Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
🤣could you imagine
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.