[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
me 2 months after i graduated
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”