Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats