“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
stand with me against insufficient seating
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.