I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I鈥檓 gonna have diarrhea all day.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I鈥檒l take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can鈥檛 you just wear a toga?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
I love eating my wife鈥檚 snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they鈥檙e no longer crisp because I didn鈥檛 seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
How I’d get arrested…
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”