*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The prophecy is fulfilled
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW