Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You Might Also Like
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Ken is short for chicken
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.