Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
You Might Also Like
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
We all have our pet causes.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.