[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
reminder
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems