POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
what’s the point then??
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.