Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME