Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t