10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My dog learned how to text
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.