“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.