I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft