SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Autocarrot sucks!
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.