People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Cake safety first. Always.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Guantanamo Bae
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.