I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
somebody come look at this
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Hot Hot Hot
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Lol.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.