I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.