[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit