I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
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*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Come back with a warrant
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!