How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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mom had nothing to worry about
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me