HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
everyone’s a critic
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.