[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Bill is short for Billiam
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.