Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine