If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Unexpected Judgment
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.